What Jesus Actually Meant by “Denying Yourself”
“Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.””
Deny yourself. Yep, throw yourself flat on the ground and let people walk all over you. You don’t count; all that matters is that the person you love gets what they need. If they ask for you to extend yourself beyond your boundaries yet again, well, that’s just good discipleship. Take up that cross. Go to the death. Die and die and die again.
Ugh.
There’s a conflicting message there. Somehow, we’ve taken Jesus’ words about denying and death to mean that we humans have no value in and of ourselves, that we are only worth something if we have something to offer someone else… but at the same time, good psychotherapy states the importance of boundaries and saying no.
There’s a reason why some strands of Christianity and psychology research are so often at odds. We read Jesus’ words as if they are opposing the words of behavioural science and psychological research. If Jesus says that we are to deny ourselves and psychology says otherwise, then psychology must be wrong. Faith and science run past one another rather than supporting one another, and so fundamentalists state loudly that psychology must be incorrect at best and of the devil at worst.
Alongside many renowned Christian theologians, I believe in the Two Books: Scripture and Science, or rather, Nature.(1) Scripture tells us who God is and who we are (top-down theology). The Scriptures are God’s words written down by his people and lived experientially with them; by these words, we know him.
Science, or Nature, is what we observe as true about God from his creation (bottom-up theology). Paul says, “For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.” (Rom 1:20) Nature, and therefore scientific research, tells us about God. As we discover more about physics, biology, medicine, and psychology, we grow in understanding of our world and our place in it. As we learn more about ourselves and our world, we come to know the Creator more—from the bottom up, as it were.
So psychology, if tried by all the scientific methods we have available and found true, must not conflict with Scripture. If psychology says that relationships are healthier and better with good boundaries and saying no, then Jesus’ words cannot contradict this. God is always good; that’s a fundamental principle. Therefore, anything that is good in the world reflects his character. Anything that is not good does not.
And being walked all over like a doormat is definitely not good.
So, perhaps we have read Jesus’ words about denying ourselves and dying for the sake of others in a twisted light. Perhaps they have strayed from their original intent, leading more people astray nowadays than they were ever meant to.
How Jesus must grieve when we misinterpret his words and insist on living in evil ways that we call good.
We have denied ourselves, or so we say, but in reality, we are proud of our humility. We take pleasure in our self-flagellation. We insist that we are following Jesus’ way even as we shrivel up inside. We call it faithfulness.
This is not the way of Christ. It cannot be. I do not like the God that this portrays—a cruel, vindictive God who takes pleasure in his creatures’ torment.
No. It cannot be.
What, then, can it mean?
Instead of eliminating ourselves entirely, what if denying ourselves is actually accepting ourselves for all our faults and flaws? Instead of holding ourselves back in admirable self-control, what if taking up the cross means that we see our deepest selves as we are, and we take it to Jesus, who sees all and loves all? What if it means that we love ourselves to the same degree that Jesus did, plumbing our souls to the darkest corners and confessing that we need help?
We die, yes, we die to our false selves, those people-pleasing, prideful, selfish things. But, friends, I fear that our false selves have marched proudly to Calvary, intent on crucifying our truest and tenderest selves, the self that is created in the image of God in his goodness, creativity, and wisdom. We have buried our true self with its desires six feet under in the name of faithfulness. What if denying ourselves means admitting that our true self is good, right, and worth cultivating so that it flourishes in the light of day?
Whoever wants to be Jesus’ disciple must admit that they are human. That they have needs and desires. That they love and hate and hurt. True denial isn’t ignorance, but surrender of every place where we fall short of bearing the good image of God. Taking up the cross is a willingness to persevere in loving oneself and others the way that Jesus did—with honesty and grace, not shame, guilt, or manipulation.
I have learned that drawing boundaries is hard. It feels like dying to yourself, because you are. You are dying to an old version of yourself that has persisted in unhealthy, sinful patterns. Saying no is hard. It means that you are rewriting someone’s perception of you, and this can be challenging for a relationship until you find your footing again on more stable, healthier ground.
Taking time for what you desire and need is not selfish. Sure, if that’s all you do, then yes, it can become so. The false self rears its head. However, if you need time and space away from a person or group for your own mental health and the sanity of your dearest loved ones, then do it. Deny the part of yourself that continually caves into pressure from family, church, or employers. Deny the impulse to be a slave to anything that is not reflective of God’s goodness. Deny the false self any foothold in your life. .
This is a hard lesson, one that I’m still learning. The fundamentalist Christian message I heard all my life was that I don’t matter. Even after salvation in Christ, there was only loathing for the self, not love. This is not right. This is not good. It is a false message that only bolsters the false self and feeds a culture of shame and guilt.
You matter. You mattered before you were born, because you are a uniquely created human being placed on the earth for exactly the time that you are here. Your truest self reflects God’s love and goodness to the world as his image bearer, and following Jesus means that you can take this further and deeper than you could have ever imagined as he empowers you to do so. No, life is not only about you. But you matter.
Deny your impulse for self-hatred. Love yourself. Love others. Say no. Set healthy boundaries. Follow Jesus, and you will find yourself as you look at him looking at you in love.(2)
Footnotes
Tremper Longman III, Confronting Old Testament Controversies.
John Mark Comer, Practicing the Way.
